Dear readers,
Today, I turned 40. Well, technically yesterday, as I was born early morning Beijing time on May 1, 1985.
I woke up to a flurry of messages via WeChat, WhatsApp, text, Instagram messenger, e-mail etc. wishing me happy birthday.
Some people welcomed me to the 40’s club. Others expressed their anxiety about imminently turning 40 themselves.
I’ve never been enthusiastic about milestones. I turned 13, 18, 21, 30 all without too much fuss from myself, although dear friends did throw me an epic joint birthday party bash at the Rosewood Beijing. Maybe it’s because I’m a first generation immigrant child of parents who lived through the Cultural Revolution, during which my parents were focused on survival. Maybe it’s because Chinese cultural traditions don’t place emphasis on the same milestones as American/European traditions do - for example, my parents say that traditionally, Chinese celebrate the 9 and not the 0 as one gets older, so 39 would have been more important than 40.
All this to say, my birth “day” itself isn’t a big deal to me. However, I do recognize the symbolism of turning 40 in the United States, and I’ve been thinking on it for the past year, since my husband turned 40 last September. My friends and podcast co-hosts Susan Lieu, Jeanette Park and I have recorded a series of episodes around turning 40 on Model Minority Moms: what is the meaning of life, how do we see our past and our future, all that good stuff (Apple and Spotify).
An important aspect of turning 40 is looking back at my 30s. At age 30, I was childless, dog-less, partner-less, home ownership-less, and as a result, quite callow. Sure I’d been through romantic heartbreak, abuse (I don’t use that word lightly and if you listen to my podcast, you’ll know what I’m referring to), eating disorders, among other negative life experiences, but you’d be surprised how little wisdom one may acquire from those experiences, if one does not do the hard job of deep self-reflection and soul-searching. Suffering itself doesn’t beget wisdom. The pursuit of self-knowledge with humility is the beginning of wisdom.
With the grace of God, I finally began to acquire some semblance of wisdom in my 30s. Marriage and children certainly forced my hand, but I could still have chosen to look the other way, to go through trials and tribulations without taking a hard look at myself in the proverbial mirror. But I am so glad I finally faced myself honestly, because that is the beginning of true contentment with myself. The words come easily onto the page, but the journey was arduous - a story for another day.
As I enter this new phase of self-knowledge, which coincides with turning 40, I am truly looking forward to what may come in the next decade and beyond. So much of the traditional dialogue around turning 40 revolves around fear - fear of aging, fear of stagnation, fear of regret, fear fear fear. But I stand on the other side and tell you, I was truly fearful in my 20s and 30s because I was not truly in my own skin. Now that I am 40, I feel more confident of myself in all ways, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
Now this doesn’t mean that all of my troubles melt away - life keeps going on as usual with its ups and downs. But my internal ups and downs have smoothed out considerably, and that, my friends, is why my 40s will be the best decade yet. May it be so for you too.
